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And I am here to ruin that for all of you! This is my review of the Robin Williams mess of a film, Jumanji!
Jumanji is a 1995 movie, directed by Joe Johnston, the director of Honey, I shrunk the Kids, the Pagemaster, and Jurassic Park III. It stars famous-ish, tryhard actor, Robin Williams, Kirsten Dunst... before she became Peter Parker's fuckbuddy, Tim Curry-sound-alike, Jonathan Hyde, and other actors. The film centers around a mystical board game that has the spooky power to bring jungle aminals from a pocket-dimension into the real world. Yes..somebody had to write all that..In fact..someone did. The movie is based on the children's picture book of the same name, written by Chris Van Allsburg. And clearly, the studio thought that it had some kind of potential to be turned into a goofy-horror kids movie with Robin Williams.
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| I know..I know...but hear me out... |
I know, I'm being pretty vague right now, but let's get into the real question of what is really wrong with this movie.
1)Dat Acting
Holy hell...I have seen better acting acting from those extras on Sesame Street. Just take a look at this scene:
Good God, it's like none of them fucking care! You can see the expression on all of their faces....it's like, "Yep...I'm in a movie about an evil board game. I already got my paycheck, so it's not like I have to try!" Robin Williams is seriously something special in the movie, I'll tell you. His performance is Hammy-er than a fucking Christmas dinner. Just take a look at this scene:
Have you ever seen someone try this hard? Well, not on purpose! A lot of people mistake this scene for being "funny." I find it pretty pathetic. I've never really found Robin Williams to be the best actor . He tries absolutely way too hard to get the audience to like his characters. He never "owns" his roles...he smothers the fuck out of them. In this movie, it's a bit different. I have a strong feeling he just didn't care enough about this movie, so, as a result, I think he tried a little bit too hard not to care. Instead of overacting to the point of it being funny, he overacted to the point of it being..well...kind of sad. Kirsten Dunst is no thespian either. She plays this character who is supposed to be this tomboy-ish, rebel of a teenager, and she just comes off as bland. I can't really tell if this is a result of bad writing or just bad acting. To me, her characters always seem to have this droopy-cheeked, half-eyed look of indifference. Something like this:
2)This movie makes ABSOLUTELY NO EFFING SENSE
I mean it! This movie has no rhyme or reason in it at all! Everything these characters did or what events happened, I was always asking myself, "How?!" or "What?!" or "Why?!" Think I'm being nit-picky? Let's take a look-Why the hell do they have to keep playing?
Seriously? Why? What would happen if they didn't? I mean, Robin Williams is freed, so why is there an absolute necessity to continue the game where they left off? To send all the animals back into the game Bullshit! Think about what they had to deal with up until the point Allen (Robin Williams) was freed: The Bats we never see again, A few big mosquitoes, a gang of CGI monkeys, and a Lion. Buy a can of Raid, put the monkeys and the Lion into the Zoo, and burn the game so it could never be played again. I mean, Allen is free, so why did they need to keep playing?!? You see that, as they continue to play, things get progressively worse! They summon a giant man-eating plant that is totally not a Little Shop of Horrors ripoff. They summon a hunter that kills humans for sport. They unleash a devastating stampede that decimates an entire city. Giant Spiders, CGI quicksand, monsoons in the house..etc..etc. So, I ask again, why do they need to continue to play if all they are doing is making things fucking worse?
-Why do they stop playing so often?
This always bothered me, even as a kid. You notice that every time someone rolls the dice, they take 5 hours to stop playing and look around for dramatic effect. Okay. Why don't they just play through? For some of the riddles, I can understand stopping to relocate themselves, but they never play through! It always takes them 5 hours to roll the dice again. What. Fucking. Idiots. As the riddles are appearing on the little dome...thing...next player rolls the dice. Like Clockwork, people. Hell, when Allen was being chased by that psycho hunter, why didn't everyone else just take their turn? It's called making progress! DO IT. Even during that stampede scene...they run in the direction that would benefit them the least! Why didn't they run into a side room, put the damn board down, and play through as quickly as they can? If we are supposed to believe that they ABSOLUTELY HAVE to keep playing...they should at least play the game like the filmmakers should've done with this movie...To get it the hell over with as quickly as possible.
-Psychic WHAAAT?
So, when Allen, Judy, and Peter go to see Sarah, a girl that Allen played the game with 30 years earler, they see that she is, for some reason, a Psychic. Ooookay? Well, clearly they plan on having her use her abilities to somehow benefit their need to finish the game, right? NOPE! It is never mentioned again! If she was a psychic...then how the hell did she NOT see any of this coming? I know what you guys are thinking, "Well...she was meant to be shown as a fake!" Okay, fine. But, then why was this information given to us in the first place if it has no purpose in the film! They never talk about it again. I'm calling bullshit here. Psychic my ass.
-Where are the Police?
With all of this destruction going on and a man carrying a large rifle with an intent to hunt and kill another human....Where are all the fucking Police Officers. Shouldn't they be out on the streets, trying to work damage control and get people to saftey?! Nope. They are never seen or mentioned either! In this whole movie, there seems to be only 1 cop of duty. His name is Carl (of course it is...). And he is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine! Seriously, Where are the fucking Police during all of this? You might think I'm being picky here, saying "Uh...It's movie logic!" No! There is serious peril going on here! People are getting hurt and dying and serious damage is being done to everything, and you are telling me that no police officers are going to be there! Nope...
-Where do the animals come from?
This is probably the biggest nitpick on my list...but yeah...where do they come from? Every time a riddle appears on the domey-thing, the animals always seem to appear in ways that are supposed to make the scene look all dramatic. When Allen was sucked into the game, he was sucked into the Domey-Thing....so why didn't the Animals come through there? The Bats came from the fireplace. The Lion appeared in the shadows. The Monkeys...appeared in the kitchen? The Stampede...came from..outside. Did anyone just see a large group of animals pop out of no where outside the house? I know...its nitpick...but its a question that seriously begged an answer. Where in the hell did the animals come from Not to mention, Van Pelt, the hunter, seemed rather unperturbed by the fact that he was now in a futuristic setting. Nonsense....
-TIME TRAVEL.....
SPOILER ALERT (as if you should really care...) When Allen finally beats the game (you all know the scene.."Jumanji..."), all the aminals and the hunter get sucked back into the game back to Jungle Land. You'd think that'd be where we wrap things up, right? Adult Allen and Sarah make the steps to start a new life in the modern world, and they make the steps required to fix everything. NOPE. They go all the way back to when Allen and Sarah first started playing the game...back in 1969...as children.. They beat the game...they go back in time...ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME. What?! Why?! How?! Why?! When did they EVER say that beating them game would send them back in time? When did they ever acknowledge that this game interfered with the time-space continuum?! What a cop out...What a huge middle finger to the audience...This was when I officially threw up my arms and just gave up on this movie.... I can buy them having to finish the game all the way through...I can buy the police being nonexistent...I can buy them stopping the game for 5 hours after every roll...but TIME TRAVEL. NO. NOPE. NO. I refer you to my previous statement: WHAT? WHY? WHAT?
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But wait...It gets WORSE. Allen and Sarah, as children, remember everything that happened. They remember Judy and they remember Peter. About 30 years later, we see that Allen and Sarah are married to each other. They are throwing a Christmas party, and one of their guests brings their children, *gasp* surprise! It's Judy and Peter! Yet, yet they have no memories of Allen or Sarah. So, They get their memories back...but Judy and Peter don't? I realize that they weren't born yet...but if I'm supposed to buy every other ridiculous law in this movie, then shouldn't Judy and Peter remember what happened as well?That's not even the worst of it. In the alternate timeline when Allen was in Jungle Land, Judy and Peter's parents were dead. But, after Allen get's freed, the game is won, and Time Travel...they are ALIVE? What the fuck just happened?! So, Allen being gone somehow caused Judy and Peter's parents to die...but him coming back made them live?! But...if what happened didn't happen...then they'd still be dead...but since Allen as an adult did what he did, wouldn't they be alive then? Confused? You should be...
This movie sucks. With Bad acting, Bad casting, and a plot that makes less than a hair of sense, It's absolutely amazing how soooo many people still seem to like it. It kind of makes me feel like an Alien. I feel like I am the only one that sees right through it. It may have worked on children, but It sure as hell doesn't work on adults. Would I recommend it? Do you have to ask? Absolutely not. Do yourself a Favor, spend the night playing Monopoly or Candyland instead of having your kids watch this piece of overrated garbage.
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